The Anniversary

On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," my husband responded, "we could vacuum."

Are Dogs Allowed?

When a vacationer wrote to a hotel asking whether they permitted dogs in their rooms, the manager sent this warm reply:

Dear Sir,

I've been in the hotel business over thirty years. Never yet have I called the police to eject a disorderly dog during the small hours of the night. Never yet has a dog set the bedclothes afire from smoking a cigarette. I've never found a hotel towel or blanket in a dog's suitcase, nor whiskey rings on the bureau top from a dog's bottle.

Sure the dog's welcome.

The Manager

P.S. If he'll vouch for you, you can come along too.

CRAZY ADS FOUND IN THE NEWSPAPER

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700

2 TINKLE ME ELMO DOLLS - BEST OFFER

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK
PUMPED.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 ****ER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 cents

GERMAN SHEPHERD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

CHARMIN ULTRA BATHROOM TISSUE -- BONELESS

NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBY at:

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE...BETTER
BE A REWARD.

GET A LITTLE JOHN - THE TRAVELING URINAL - HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF
BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER

NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED

WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!

93 PONTIAC LEMONS - LOW MILES

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

FROZEN SOFT & GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS

AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

SO FRENCH, AFTER ONE CUP YOU'LL WANT TO GO OUI, OUI.

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.

MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining
To my husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he
Uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
Toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand
In front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will
This take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband
Replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
Between my breasts every day will make my breasts
Larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even
Walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through
A straw.

Stupid, stupid man!

Kitty’s 10 Commandments

And the Cat said. . .

1. Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the computer.

2. Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

3. Thou shalt not project hairballs from the top of the refrigerator.

4. Thou shalt not sit in front of the television as if thou art invisible.

5. Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human’s bladder at 3 A.M.

6. Thou shalt not reset thy human’s alarm clock by walking on it.

7. Thou shalt not trip thy humans, even if they are walking too slowly.

8. Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

9. Thou shalt not jump on the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

10. Thou shalt attempt to show remorse when being scolded.

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN
_________________________________________________

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
_________________________________________________

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
________________________________________________

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
_________________________________________________

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
_________________________________________________

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron."
_________________________________________________

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
_________________________________________________

A little boy was doing his math homework.
He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b*tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b*tch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b*tch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
_________________________________________________

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, "...and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy crap! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

These are excellent Heartlight. They made me laugh Thanks for starting all these threads,

I love this thread, especially the ads! They remind me of the ads that Jay Leno would mention on his show.

I'm glad these are giving you all a good laugh!