A subject that hits home for me time and time again....

People often say "you make me feel......" which is something that is impossible.

We all have responsibility for our feelings. If someone says something that hurts, then our reaction is to go on the defensive - when in fact blaming someone else for what we feel doesn't help at all.

Example: A friend is due to meet up with you but at the last moment has to drop out. They phone you and apologise. You feel very angry and let down, but instead of letting them know how disappointed you are, you bottle up the anger, and start the blame game. You sit and bubble about it all for a day, and tell a friend how angry you are with the other friend "I don't want to see her again, she makes me feel....."

Your reaction to that disappointment is your own responsibility, how you feel about what happened is tied up with all those experiences of a similar nature that you had in the past. This is more "unfinished business" that has been stored up and was waiting to resurface - and a similar experience has now prodded it into life again.

We all have some kind of unfinished business in our lives, and such things have to be faced and completed - or at least we must become aware of them - otherwise we build barriers instead of bridges with other people and that helps nobody...

and yes...been there and done that too!! )

Aw, yes, the blame game. I grew up with that floating around and through me. It's an easy excuse to throw around. But you're right, we are each responsible for our own reactions. We may feel uncomfortable or angry or sad or out of control with a situation, but it comes from our own experiences over a lifetime, and we need to recognize that and deal with it ourselves. Too many just don't want to accept responsibility for themselves.

Funny, though, it was easier to get control of the blame game in my own life than to confront others in my life with their own when they aimed it at me. Took me way to long to say, "No, I can't make you feel anything. Your feelings are uniquely your own. If you want to talk about how we can each be more constructive in this relationship, fine. But if you persist in blaming me for everything, I'm outta here."

Interestingly, those I had to confront with this didn't want to change. And I left. They still blame me for everything, but that's not my problem. And I have accepted that it is THEIR problem and am much happier without them in my life.

Lee, you are so strong

I grew up being the scapegoat, blamed for everything. I realised that it wasn't all my fault when I was a teenager, yet still got dragged into it again as a young adult.

But looking objectively at me and my life, I realise I'mnot a bad person, I am actually pretty good. I've really helped lots of people and animals in my life, never committed a crime etc. etc.

So you are right Lee to say that it is THEIR problem if they are going to blame others. I now reject my mother's blaming of me for everything, like the other day at the fake tea party I wrote about. She blamed me for not being jolly and happy, the life and soul of the party. But I was thinking about serious issues, which I needed to do, and so that is what I did. I can't be fake and switch off how I feel, that is a positive thing, not negative.

Further thoughts.

My immediate reaction to my sister's letter was to burst into tears, to feel deep sadness - a mixture of "how much more is this going to go on?" and deep sadness that she does not understand me yet, as well as a little sadness that my father (in her view) was hurt by my making a stand to do what I wanted for me.

In this world, the sensitive person takes on a LOT of responsibility for NOT hurting other people, even if that is at odds with his or her own needs. I have done that many times and its hard to drop that.

I have made space for me and my family in this crazily entangled family and that change has upset others. I am responsible for my own actions EVEN though what I do may hurt other people - those feelings are not mine to look after - they belong to other people.

just a morning thought...
adoremouse

Respectfully I disagree to a point. I don't believe that we are responsible for our initial sad, angry or anxious reactions and feelings. I don't know about anyone else but these initial emotions are never premeditated by me. They are elicited from me. I have no choice in the matter and neither does anyone else. On the other hand, if we let these emotions carry on for longer than the moment, if we let them ruin our day, our week or our relationships and send us into the pits of dispair......that is our choosing.

Rose - I am pleased that you disagree. It sounds as if you are saying that someone has "done something" to you when these feelngs come up - and yes to a certain degree that is true - a painful place has been touched, and it could be old wounds that we have not dealt with. Never the less, this is our stuff, someone else might not react in the same way as you or I might.

I would not say that feelings are "premeditated" in any way - the trouble is that as sensitive people we feel hurt more deeply, and if something comes up that shocks us or that we feel sad about then we re-act. Feelings are a reaction to whatever is said or done, and we have a right to be angry or sad or whatever, and so does everyone else. It is what we do ABOUT those feelings that counts. If we start saying " You made me feel xy or z" or even think that, then we stay in that dysfunctional place of embroilment in the turmoil.

It takes a lot of hard work to be aware of the feelings, take a breath and then act (rather than RE act) in the best way that will help ourselves and also the other person. I am not saying for a moment this is simple - it is not.

Never the less - the feelings BELONG to us, not to anyone else, where else would they come from? Sometimes it is shocking to hear another person say, "I can't help how you feel, I want to do THIS or THAT anyway", because it touches difficult places in us. I've struggled in workshops with this very issue - and been through some tough conflict in groups, it IS hard work.

warm wishes
adoremouse

Not nnecessarily has anyone "done somthing TO us", but as you say, someones words, or actions may have touched a part in us that is vulnerable because of our life history. We may not react to the same things in the same way, based on our past lives. For whatever reason the emotion is elicited, I feel we don't make a conscious effort to feel that way in the initial moment. It's out of our control in that moment. It's based on whatever memory files we have. It's not a "choice" to feel that way. Our choice lies in whether to let it go or to feed it and carry on with it.

The same can be said for the emotions of love. Interesting isn't it when we think to the positive instead of the negative of emotions. We can say we're falling in love with, or have fallen in love with, or that someone has made us fall in love with, as if we have no choice........but again, it would not be true would it? Have we not fallen in love based on our memories as well? Do we not stay in love by choice?

Memory files are interesting in that they are so deeply embedded in us, that even the body language of someone else can elicit emotions in us, even if we don't know them. Does this border on being empathic then? Something else to think about and consider I guess.

You're absolutely right, that these re-actions are just that, we are re-acting what we once did before, especially if the experience was negative - something as simple as a body movement can prod those difficult places. The key is being aware of those hot buttons...and being aware that we do have choice.

At the same time it is also OK just to "not like" someone if we feel uncomfortable about being with them - to stay in touch would be to ignore our own needs and wants and that is important too.

Falling "in love" is another matter entirely. From painful experience I know that sometimes what arises in us when we fall for someone may be an unrequited love for a parent figure - which is very difficult to recognise in the middle of such a turmoil of emotions. Sometimes this can lead to a repeated pattern of abusive relationships until we realise exactly what we are seeking - that is where therapy comes in.

I'm not saying that every love relationship is like that, there are those who do not have those issues and therefore are able to have a relationship based on being two equal beings, able to ask for and get and also give, according to their own needs and wants, without overwhelming the other or resenting another's wish to be alone.

I'm a bit confused as to what you say about being empathic. For me, empathy means being able to imagine what it is like to be another person, and to understand how they experience their life - without judgement, but with acceptance and compassion for myself as well as the other.

cheers
adoremouse

I understand exactly what you are saying here, Rose. I was thinking something similar but didn't respond because it is a very complex process to describe. Yes, absolutely, we are responsible for how we choose to move forward with our initial emotional response. It takes a considerable amount of practice, insight and perspective to reach the point of not feeling negative feelings initally. As far as someone 'making us feel' a cetrtain way....

Well....our current societal mores give us mixed messages. Be strong, independent, live your life to make yourself happy, choose your responses. But also...trust, make yourself vulnerable to those you love, be gentle and kind, be open, be authentic. I'm not saying those qualities are mutally exclusive but they do shuffle our emotions around trying to figure out how to 'be'.

When you have a 'trust' relationship with a person whether it is your husband or a salesman, there is a certain amount of vulnerability that is just built into the relationship because living in a state of paranoia and mistrust at all times is an unsatisfactory way of living. You essentially give the other person access to your emotional buttons or triggers. True, they are YOUR triggers but the other person whom you have entered into relationship with has the option to push them. As I said you can't and shouldn't be on guard all the time. So in this respect, another person can make you feel a certain way by taking advantage of the access you provided to your triggers when you entered into the relationship. People can work to change their triggers.

Think of a small child not mature enough to figure out how to deal with being shamed or neglected. Do you think that child chose to feel the way they did?
They are completly vulnerable to their caregivers. The adults have the power to 'make' that child feel afraid, angry, or ashamed. Sometimes scripted messages from childhood or even trauma as an adult are so embedded in a psyche that it never goes away but needs compensated for and others, recognizing that, can easily tap into the trigger embedded from the past experience and manipulate a response.

Like I said, it is complex. While I do believe as adults we can learn to recognize our triggers and responses and own them, on the other hand, because we are an intricately connected species, we often do have the ability 'make' someone feel a certain way. Just my thoughts. I don't mind disagreeing points. I think it is an interesting subject.

I hear what you say, and yet I cannot imagine that a relationship based on trust would be used to press another persons buttons - except in jest!

If a trusting relationship exists I imagine that button pressing happens in an unconscious way - or at a time when high emotions are around, when clear thinking doesn't happen.

If we do away with taking responsibility for how we feel, then we live in a place of blame, and for me that doesn't work - its a dysfunctional way of living. We are back in the place of Persecutor Victim and Rescuer and that is one place I don't want to be...




You are right, a child has no previous experience or support to believe other than what he learns from his caregivers - he introjects - literally eats up without spitting out - the rules and lessons that are learned from mother father or whoever the caregiver is. He does this out of love, because no matter how little love is given, it is the child who will give and give and give in order to receive some kind of acceptance - even if that is negative.

When a child experiences shame or loneliness (s)he will tend to believe that whatever has happened is his or her fault. I am not sure that the words shame or neglect mean anything to such a child, they experience a bad feeling and want to feel good - so will go out of their way to make that happen.

In a family where a parent treats a child harshly, this is an expression of power and control, as well as a repeat of the cycle of abuse that that child (within the parent) experienced too. I don't think there is any conscious decision to "make" anyone feel any particular emotion - it is more of the re-enacting of early learning. "What was good enough for me is good enough for you"...kinda stuff.

With childhood trauma - that kind of abuse (especially when it comes to sexual abuse) is deeply imprinted on the human psyche. The human mind has wonderful ways of dealing with experiences which are so damaging that a child cannot cope - this is how multiple personalities appear - as an escape from a painful place, a new persona arrives to deal with such pain - and the more trauma of this kind, the more persona's appear. The sad thing about this kind of experience is that until the child/adult becomes aware of his or her triggers, he or she will go on searching out similar experiences and abusers, because that is the only kind of relationship he or she knows and believes he or she deserves. You are right, it takes many years of careful therapy to be able to cope with such major trauma as this.

One last thought - in my own life I experienced bullying as a child, and as an adult. The experience of that still worries me now, and yes, I am pretty sure that when faced with a bully, I would struggle to draw my own boundaries strongly, and someone with a bullying nature, can pick up on the emotional weakness of people with less than strong boundaries. Do I think they "make" me feel like a victim - no I don't. I am responsible for my own boundaries and have to learn to be stronger and to protect my vulnerable "self" - which is a lifelong learning for me I think.

I hope this all makes some sense...

*smiles*
adoremouse