I might have to read this too. I'm doing a lot of work in therapy around my childhood and it might help. Its odd because I have very few memories of my childhood. My sister (5 years younger) brings up things that happened when we were kids and I just draw a blank. I did recover a memory of something that happened to me when I was about 9, in my early 20's. It was so sudden and vivid and horrible that it put me into a tailspin for months. I don't think there were other things like that, but I worry that I'm repressing things.



I believe this is true for me as well. My parents are good people, but like most they've been wounded my their parents (especially my Mom, its one of those cases where there have been generations of screwed-up-ness passed a long). They also married fairly young and had me right away (my Mom was pregnant). I think they were very ill-equipped for parenting, much less parenting an HSP.

But they were strangely controlling of me in many ways -- physically, socially and emotionally -- and I of course always tried to be the good girl; as a result of this compliance I have tons of self-esteem issues and have trouble taking responsibility for my body.



This is interesting and something I have to think about. Right now I'm trying to figure out why I can't allow myself to feel happy or have good things happen to me. I should be happy in my life right now -- I have nothing to be unhappy about -- but it feels scary to me to feel good (and its a trigger for my wine consumption). I wonder if it is shame or guilt? My mother always made me feel like I didn't matter and that I was a bother to her, so maybe that's why.

I also tend to assume no one is going to like me, so I go into most social situations trying to be cheerful and "lite" but with no expectations. A phrase that has always echoed in my head comes from a party invitation I gave out for a birthday party, probably around age 13. It said, "You would be missed, even in a crowd!" In my mind its always, "You wouldn't be missed, especially in a crowd." Pretty pathetic, huh?

ANyway ... Will have to think on this and get that book. Thanks Kat! Good food for thought.

Yes, I can relate to all that. I am always waiting for something bad to happen, even now. I always think its cos my big strong daddy died when I was still a child, making me realise that bad things happen suddenly and life is frightening and unpredictable.

My mum was also pregnant when she married my dad, I had to fit in with their house moves up and down the country. I always felt like I was a bother to her too. My mum says she 'always wanted a baby' but as I got older, I think she just lost interest/ couldn't be bothered. She definitely never planned how to look after me, but I think life was just like that then. 'Parenting' was unknown. It was just 'having children', there was not much support or scientific analysis.

A friend said a few years ago that my mum probably speaks to me the way her mum spoke to her, which was an incredibly perceptive comment from a rather unperceptive man LOL. So I think my mum felt like a bother to her mum, always wrong and inconvenient. I always say 'I come from a long line of unmaternal women!'

I always assume no one is going to like me either, and don't really expect anything, always looking for put downs and keeping myself to myself. My husband, however, the youngest of a big happy family with consistent and loving parents who praised their children more than correcting them, always assumes people will like him. And they do! He is a lovely man.

However, before we had our daughter, we made a list of things we are and aren't going to say and do. I make sure I am as consistent as possible, always treat my daughter politely, and make sure she knows SHE is the most important person to me. Not people in the news/ friends/ third world countries.

I was reassured by the HSC book: we're doing the right things because we have thought carefully about them.

Seriously guys, getting fed up with the Tribe board losing my posts all the time!


I'll start, yet again.

I found another vital piece to fit the HSP jigsaw in this book:

'think of your child starting the day with a full gas tank- probably the neurotransmitter seratonin- and every experience processed, like every mile driven, drains a little (or your child may not be starting with a full tank, if she is ill or did not sleep well).'

So that explains why a) I've struggled for so many years with allergies, chronic illness, period problems PLUS all the other processing I have to do. b) why other people can go out to work all day, then off to a party/ film/ club, and I can't.

So much to process, only so much energy.

Found this piece on Toxic shame - thought it might help...(me too)

http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/letting_go_of_toxic_shame

Thanks

I've read things like that in John Grey's book: How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have, and a journalling book by someone or other.

Very useful to have it all summed up like that though, suite101 is a good site for succinct articles

Finished this book now. Fantastic, can't recommend it enough.

I took my daughter to the park today, and came across a perfect example of a non HSC. The girl, lets call her Anne, rushes into things without thinking; always active, running about; shouting; wearing sports clothes, tanned legs; always wants the fastest, most active friends, not bothering with the slower, thoughtful ones. She goes to my daughter's nursery and I can never have a conversation with her. I say something and she says: No! It not like that, and stares at me in confusion. She never seems to think about anything, or feel pain, or like to chat quietly. She had a really horrific accident a few months ago, but said it didn't scare or worry her, it didn't even seem to affect her.

Total opposite to my cautious, thoughtful, intelligent daughter, who loves to take her time, muse over things and wonder. It has taken her a while to get over her own accident, talking about it, acting it out. But obviously I am her mother, so encourage her to get over it in her own way, over and over again if she needs to.

The group of mummies at the park, who I know slightly, also struck me as non HSPs, definitely. However, now I know I am HSP, it didn't bother me that they didn't really talk to me, and I wasn't worried about putting on the friendly, confident 'hi, how are you!' front I used to put on, thinking that is how I was supposed to be.

It doesnt' bother me now if they thought my daughter was not active enough, or too cautious, or whatever. It used to bother me, but now I just think 'my daughter is an HSC, she is normal.'

Being non HSPs, the mothers probably didn't notice anyway LOL!

Sorry to sound racist, but Anne is the stereotype of a sociable, outdoorsy American girl. Funnily enough she was born and brought up in America, and only recently came to England with her English born mother. I recognised the 'type'.

I think it is harder in America to be HSP. In England its okay if you are quiet, reserved and polite, but I think in America you have to be 'go for it', sociable, carefree etc. I hadn't realised that before. Unfortunately, this 'American way of life' is increasingly seen as popular in England. Young people, especially girls, are more confident, pushy, overly sociable than those of my generation.